At Crossroads, Again!

When it turns unbearable to carry the cross on one's shoulders. When the burden turns immense. When the crown of thorns starts to make its foray into your bones after its done with flesh. When sweat turns into tears. When the odometer of tolerance reads past the limits on the signboard. When the layer of patience is measured in nanos and picos. When the breath slows down. When the pulse loses its curve. When you begin to wonder if you are awake or asleep. That's when the drive to fight dies within. That's when there's the collapse. That's when the dusk falls. The night engulfs. When the eyes are too tired to keep themselves awake. That's when the lids shut and you run. You run. You run as if you have seen a snake. You run without thoughts, you run without goals, you run without dreams, you run without knowing the way now or the path ahead. You run callous to today and oblivious of tomorrow. You just run. You run. Run, run, run and run till you escape.

Graffiti decorations
Under a sky of dust
A constant wave of tension
On top of broken trust
The lessons that you taught me
I learned were never true

Now I find myself in question....
[They point the finger at me again]
Guilty by association....
[You point the finger at me again]

I wanna runaway
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

Paper bags and angry voices
Under a sky of dust
Another wave of tension
Has more than filled me up
All my talk of taking action
These words were never true

Now I find myself in question....
[They point the finger at me again]
Guilty by association....
[You point the finger at me again]

I wanna runaway
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

I'm gonna runaway
and never say good bye...
[Gonna runaway, Gonna runaway, Gonna runaway, Gonna runaway]
I'm gonna runaway
And never wonder why...
[Gonna runaway, Gonna runaway, Gonna runaway, Gonna runaway]
I'm gonna runaway
And open up my mind...
[Gonna runaway, Gonna runaway]
Lies...
[Gonna runaway, Gonna runaway]
Lies...
[Gonna runaway, Gonna runaway]
Lies...

I wanna runaway
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

I wanna runaway
And open up my mind...
I wanna runaway
And open up my mind...
I wanna runaway
And open up my mind...
I wanna runaway
And open up my mind

- Runaway, Linkin Park

So, the choice has finally been made. The weeks to come are gonna show if the events are gonna get in the way of it, or are making way for it.

But, whatever the outcome be, after every dusk, there is dawn. After every night, there is day. After darkness, light and after Tamass, there's Jyoti.

Tamasomaa Jyotirgamaya.

4th of July

A day of true celebration

"When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security".


This was the declaration coupla centuries ago. This was the beginning. This was the birth. The rise of a populace. The birth of a new wave. The genesis of a nation who proclaimed life, liberty and pursuit of happiness to be unalienable human rights. Everytime I read thru this, the declaration of American Independence, I stand awed, in rapt admiration and I thank god for showing me that such a magnificent land can indeed exist.

I had never dreamt of coming to the US, I had never thought of the US being a part of my life. Never in my childhood, never in my adolescence. Even my preparations of coming to the US were disorderly and clouded with doubts and cynicism. But it happened and happened for real. When I look back and ruminate I realize that my coming to the US was inevitable in so many ways. It was destined. It had to happen and I had to go thru this phase in order to put the pieces of the greater puzzle in the right place. Aint I glad that this happend? Yes, indeed, of the events. However I don't think I can feel the same way about myself though! Coming over here has made me complete in so many ways. I look at myself four years ago and I see an incomplete person. A person full of doubts, many having no answers at all. And now I reflect upon myself to find an individual with all the answers, with a purpose and a meaning to life. Its nice to see a journey begun with weakness carry on for soooooooo long and to transform itself into strength. Now lies the responsibility with me to carry this further to more strength and ultimately to most strength.

If at all I'd have to part with you, even then, you'll remain in my heart forever. You've nurtured me, my thoughts, my ideals, my expressions, my courage and above all you have evoked that zest for life in me. I, the one who was caught up in the notion of the meaninglessness of life, to such a person, you have shown the spirit with which life is ought to be lived. I've ended up owing my heart to you, dearest, to you, you the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Coming back to the declaration part. There are sooooooooo many things I find similar with my ideals. Mebbe that's the reason why I like the US sooooooooooooo much. Phrases like these just make me rise and cheer in ardent admiration and fervent awe for this truly blessed land: "When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands", "to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's god entitle them", "all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness", "it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it", "to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed to".

When I had initially set my foot on the American soil, I had no idea of what I had in store. As days passed and months rolled by, my abeyant scorn for this country transformed into awed respect. And this magnanimous nation indeed deserves it. Every bit of it. Its friendly, open minded people, its organized structure, its attitude towards freedom, its ability to lead, to stick to its values and to progress. The inborn frankness and honesty of its society. All these indeed bowled me over. This is the very reason why I chose to begin this blog o' mine on the 4th of July, the day of American independence. O ye, the land of the free and the home of the brave, I salute thee, with my head bowed and my palms over my heart. You truly are a nation worth salutations. Your virtue is the spirit of your people, unmistakable and unbreakable! I bow down before your star spangled banner, thou really art capable enough to tear down the stars down from the sky and bring 'em down to this new found land, right into the palms of your worthy denizens. I truly am indebted to you for havin shown me how a society should truly function. You are the one who enlightened me on what freedom truly means, on how a life has to be lived in true spirits, and on what fraternity actually means. I'm unable to express my gratitude to you, dearest land, I really am.

So, here it goes. As a token of my appreciation and my immense gratitude towards you, I dedicate this post to you, a truly splendid nation, the United States of America. Love you lots. And, to put it in a nutshell, my journey of knowledge, my quest for the ultimate, my search for a warm and truly lively society kind of culminates here. Thanks again America, I'm indebted and awed. And this journey may most aptly be described by this wonderful song. Chhheeeeeeeeeeeeersssssssssssssssssssssss!!!

Sinbad the sailor jahaaz me jab chala
Mere yaar sun lo sun lo
Dhoondh raha tha ek nayi duniya ka pata
Mere yaar sun lo sun lo
Woh anjaani raahon me thaa..O-oo
Woh lehron ki baahon me thaa..O-oo

Sab ne kaha tha in samundaron me jaana nahi
Mere yaar sun lo sun lo
Khwaabon ke peeche jaake kuch bhi hai paana nahi
Mere yaar sun lo sun lo
Woh apni hi dhun me rahaa..O-oo
Woh sunna tha dil ka kahaa..O-oo

(Uske the jo sapne, wohi uske the apne,
aisa tha Sinbad the sailor (sailor)) (2)

Uska jahaaz khila toofanon me
Mere yaar sun lo sun lo
Phir bhi na aayi kami uske armaanon me
Mere yaar sun lo sun lo
Woh Deewana aisa hi thaa..O-oo
Woh Sapnon ka humrahi thaa..O-oo

(Uske the jo sapne, wohi uske the apne,
aisa tha Sinbad the sailor (sailor)) (2)

Woh kuch paane ki chah me..O-oo
Woh badhta raha raah me..O-oo
Gehra samundar tha, unchi unchi lehren
Mere yaar sun lo sun lo
Kashtiyaan jin dekhi mushkil se thehre
Mere yaar sun lo sun lo
Woh saahil tak aa hi gayaa..O-oo
Woh manzil ko paa hi gayaa..O-oo

(Uske the jo sapne, wohi uske the apne,
aisa tha Sinbad the sailor (sailor)) (2)

Drizzling it is

If u'd ask me how does it feel like to be sitting in a really really big metropolitan, workin on a code on ur laptop and starin out of that king size glass pane next to you? I'd say it feels 'amazing'. But there's nothing really amazing about any of the things a fore mentioned. Its amazing to feel that peace within yourself. Its amazing to have found that harmony within urself. Its amazing to have tasted that 'contentment' after sooooo many years of yearning. Its about that calm u experience when u watch that light drizzle wet the fully bloomed flowers of various hues, through the pane of glass next to you. Its kinda nice to see the flowers of spring being drippy by the unseasonal drizzle. Its nice to watch the cloudy sky. Its nice to watch the rain, the rain feeding the yellow blossoms and the lush green twigs. Nice it is. Indeed.

Have we ever wondered, why we choose to harbor the bitterness deep down in our hearts and let it blind us from the beauty and the little joys of life and the pleasures of the spring? The more we think of the dark, the darker our hearts become. The more we let the light sink in, there's spring everywhere and every time, even during the snow! Have we given this a thought? How long? How long will we keep thinkin abt the past, about the pain and abt the sores? Some day, at some point of time u'll have to let it all go. Unfold your fingers and let the dust disperse outta your palm.

Life is simply wasted if you keep thinkin abt failures. Failures are only stepping stones to success, remember? Its good to accomplish, agreed. But life is not all about achievements. Life is meant to be lived. Not to be fretted about failures of the past, about the problems of today or the uncertainty of tomorrow. Today is goin to be tomorrow's yesterday. So better live today than keep thinkin abt tomorrow. Tomorrow is jus another day and it will take care of itself. There's not a need in the world to worry abt tomorrow. We keep chasing success like rats running for the cheese, but seldom do we recall what a bag of burden of expectations, pride and arrogance success brings with it. We shd infact be grateful for the failures we've come across. Coz its failures which teach us humility and the essence of service. Accepted, that it brings along sufferings, often those which are beyond our grasp to swallow. But, those again are lessons to be learnt. That is what life is for -- to keep learning. Learnings from mistakes or otherwise.

Now, it has stopped raining. In fact, it aint drizzlin either. But the sky aint blue, its clouded completely. The sight, even now, is simply tooo good. I dont think the camera of my cell will do a good job of capturing this truly romantic setting, esp with such a dim lighting. Never-the-less it has been captured in my heart. Hope it remains long in here. Well, the co-inspiration for this post has been a nice emotional movie that I watched very recently for the first time: A Beautiful Mind. And this reminded me of an another outstanding movie, esp the following sequence of it:

SEAN
I was thinking about what you said
to me the other day, about my
painting. I stayed up half the night
thinking about it and then something
occurred to me and I fell into a
deep peaceful sleep and haven't
thought about you since. You know
what occurred to me?

WILL
No.

SEAN
You're just a boy. You don't have
the faintest idea what you're talking
about.

WILL
Why thank you.

SEAN
You've never been out of Boston.

WILL
No.

SEAN
So if I asked you about art you could
give me the skinny on every art book
ever written... Michelangelo? You
know a lot about him I bet. Life's
work, criticisms, political
aspirations. But you couldn't tell
me what it smells like in the Sistine
Chapel. You've never stood there and
looked up at that beautiful ceiling.
And if I asked you about women I'm
sure you could give me a syllabus of
your personal favorites, and maybe
you've been laid a few times too.
But you couldn't tell me how it feels
to wake up next to a woman and be
truly happy. If I asked you about
war you could refer me to a bevy of
fictional and non-fictional material,
but you've never been in one. You've
never held your best friend's head
in your lap and watched him draw his
last breath, looking to you for help.
And if I asked you about love I'd
get a sonnet, but you've never looked
at a woman and been truly vulnerable.
Known that someone could kill you
with a look. That someone could rescue
you from grief. That God had put an
angel on Earth just for you. And
you wouldn't know how it felt to be
her angel. To have the love be there
for her forever. Through anything,
through cancer. You wouldn't know
about sleeping sitting up in a
hospital room for two months holding
her hand and not leaving because the
doctors could see in your eyes that
the term "visiting hours" didn't
apply to you. And you wouldn't know
about real loss, because that only
occurs when you lose something you
love more than yourself, and you've
never dared to love anything that
much. I look at you and I don't see
an intelligent confident man, I don't
see a peer, and I don't see my equal.
I see a boy. Nobody could possibly
understand you, right Will? Yet you
presume to know so much about me
because of a painting you saw. You
must know everything about me. You're
an orphan, right?

Will nods quietly.

SEAN
Do you think I would presume to know
the first thing about who you are
because I read "Oliver Twist?" And I
don't buy the argument that you don't
want to be here, because I think you
like all the attention you're getting.
Personally, I don't care. There's
nothing you can tell me that I can't
read somewhere else. Unless we talk
about your life. But you won't do
that. Maybe you're afraid of what
you might say.

Sean stands,

SEAN
It's up to you.

And walks away.

New Waves

Lets set the sails, there's a new direction to chase

Om asato ma sadgamaya,
Tamaso ma jyotirgamaya,
Mrityorma amritamgamaya
Om shantih shantih shantih

Aum,
Lead us,
From the unreal to the real,
From darkness to the light,
From death to immortality,
Aum (the universal sound)
Let there be (physical) peace, (mental) peace and (spiritual) peace.

- Brihadaranyaka Upanishad 1.3.28.

This one used to be the prayer right from my primary school days till my Pre-University college. During recitations of this verse during my school days, I never knew the meaning of it. It must be only during my high school days that I came to know of its denotation. The meaning when I say it, I mean the literal meaning of it. Well, the actual meaning, i.e. the tenor that was originally meant to be conveyed, the drift as intended to be communicated by the source of this verse, to know that in full, to know that in its essence and in its gloriously magnificent form, even a lifetime is hardly enough. However, I would say that I got a taste of its factual meaning a few years ago. But, by that time life had already detoured, many a time in despair, many a time in lack of fulfillment in anything, many a time in the search for the primal tenor, in the quest for the complete picture. Mind had reached such a stage where it was willing to experiment anything, even at the cost of life itself. Many theories were experimented with. Some were pure thought experiments, some were derived, some were variants of "tried by others", some were discovered, some were invented and many were innovated. Nonetheless, everything failed to give the results that were expected. So the theories and experiments continued (at great costs, never to forget!). But if events, patterns, outcomes (all apparent, subjective, factual and hidden) are assayed there is only one, mind you only one theory that fits in. And boy, it fits in like a glove. Unmistakeably that was the one which was on the top, the "highest" priority one about eight years ago. If it was to be accepted as an all in all concept by that time, life definitely would have been spared many pains and misadventures. But for that to have happened, there were two pre-requisites to be met. To my vexation, both of 'em were "hugely" scarce in my barrels.

Unfortunately to know how a thing works (esp when u don't have a "manual" for it, or when u have many but u don't know which one to trust in wholeheartedly), u have to break it to see the insides. To know the reality you have to dive into it, face it head on to know the truth, else its just partial knowledge, a conjecture or at best speculation, not the elixir. You can't estimate the depth of an ocean by looking at its surface, by analyzing the characteristics of its water. Nope. To know the real depth, you have to dive into it, yourself. Only then you get the first hand experience and the true depth of it. Unfortunate, this process, you may call it. But u gotta admit it. If you want the roses, you cant set aside the thorns.

But, finally, ahhh, finalllly (yeah, finally, that's the word!) when I found the oasis amidst the scorching sands (that happened like an year ago) and started to drink from it, the casks started to fill. They started sporadically first. Then the lack days began to decrease in number. Even today though intermittent, the curve has been rising, slowly but steadily. I dint want to talk about this before, coz I wanted to be sure myself that these were simply not letters on the sand or ripples in the water. The preparations had started in the late months of '08 and started pickin up pace in the early months of '09. Well, things now are getting steady albeit very very slowly. And you cant imagine, what a joy it is to see the greens spring up in the desert. So, its time to welcome back the rains and the greens. I welcome myself back to life.

So, here it is, from death to life and from darkness to light. Welcome "Tamasomaa Jyotirgamaya", not with pomp, but with volition and grit, and not with dreamy eyes and empty hopes, of the likes of the bygone nihilist.

I aint sure of the frequency of posts here, but there's a high probability that many of the answers to the questions unanswered shall find light here. And yes, this day of emergence, this magnificent day, the fourth of July, was chosen intentionally with great passion and gratitude, and this choice aint a coincidence by any chance. More posts on the same and others shall follow.

Transcend:
1. To rise above; to surmount; go beyond; overpass; exceed:
2. To outdo or exceed in excellence, elevation, extent, degree, etc.; surpass; excel.

And yes, it feels good to have the alphabet 'T' for the beginnings of the title and the URL. Aint a very difficult thing to guess why, is it?

Before I end, let there be a quote!
"Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them" - Albert Einstein.